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In 1995, a crack commando known as EXHUMATOR was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. The 7 man and 1 woman unit promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Denver underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire: [gun-shots] FIVE IRON FRENZY

Case History
Under the federal government's Witness Protection Program, the true identity these eight crazed youths will never be known. At present, rumor has it that they are impersonating a band of travelling musicians under the code name, FIVE IRON FRENZY. Be aware that a significant portion of the general populous is beginning to support their activity. Thousandfold crowds gather to prevent us from detaining them. Though our sources once suggested a headquarters near Denver, CO, it is now apparent that they may appear anywhere.

Recent word from our European colleagues indicates that these fugitives are even willing to cross oceans in order to evade us. New Zealand even reports the fugitives sharing the stage with the likes of The Beastie Boys. For your own safety, consider them armed and dangerous.

Acquired Evidence
Currently, we have in our possession two [2] compact discs which clearly reveal the motives of our suspects. Critics describe this music using the expression "ska-punk", but it seems to be their own brand of music not bridled by the sounds that ska bands are often produce. Lyrically, both UPBEATS AND BEATDOWNS and OUR NEWEST ALBUM EVER! reveal pathetic attempts at humor combined with genuine spiritual honesty and passion. Sources reveal that each album has SoundScanned over 80,000+ units since their release.

So much for staying underground. Wire reports indicate a new deal with the Chordant/EMI Music Distribution. This will only create more access to their propaganda. We do not know why these imposters are putting so much work into their fašade, 180 shows in the last 12 months. Perhaps the near future will give us more insight.

Hot Leads
Agents have proof that a third compact disc was released on November 3 of this year. This EP, entitled QUANTITY IS JOB 1, containing at least [9] tracks. These same agents claim that the "band" is pursuing new musical directions (again attempting to evade us), invoking other styles known as "swing", "opera" and "dinosaur rock". In a fragmented message, we heard something about a "pair of pants". Rumors have also been confirmed about their dealings with double-crossing agent/producer Masaki. He has been at the sonic controls for all three [3] projects now. Report all further news to my office directly. This savvy group is not afraid to rock, take all necessary precautionary measures.

The Band
Reese Roper - vocals, primary lyrist
Scott Kerr - guitar, vocals, primary writer
Keith Hoerig - bass
Micah Ortega - guitar
Leanor "Jeff, The Girl" Ortega - sax, lyrist
Dennis Culp - trombone, vocals, writer
Nathanel "Brad" Dunham - trumpet
Andrew Verdecchio - drums